Seeing with my own eyes

Pretty soon, I won't even be able to say that.
We leave for Netherlands in 1 week.
Then when we get back, I'm  getting cataract surgery in my right eye.
My right eye will actually be getting an implant  - a new lens!!!
Amazing, but true.

I'm very scared and nervous.  I always think the worse instead of the best.
I always worry for nothing.

But, I love seeing everything.  And lately my eyesight is failing fast.  The left eye is starting to only see things clearly close up and everything far away is a blur.

Yes, it drives me crazy, but Joe says everything drives me crazy.

Have I forgotten God's promises?    no
Will I have to have surgery alone?  no
Then why the worry????

It's the unknown that's out there.  I've never had eye surgery before so I'm not sure what to expect at all.

I'm just praying hard that it works, and that I get the vision back in my right eye, so I can get some glasses soon.

I want to go to Netherlands and see my kids and grandkids, just like I did  4 months ago..... before the change in vision.

All is well,  Come January 8  I will be thankful for a surgeon who knew what she was doing.
Then I will be sorry for all the time I spent worrying and fretting over never seeing normal again.

Please  Jesus, give me some peace about the surgery.  Give me a fun restful time in Netherlands,  And give me a capable surgeon with a steady hand.  And please help me see normal again.
I put my life in your hands, forever.

Getting older

Woke up happy.  It's my birthday!!  wooohooooo

Tons of special memories come flooding back in to view.
** the kids making me a cake and singing
**  joey giving me flowers and a cute gift to open up
** my sis taking me out to lunch
** my mom making me a spice cake with candles
** my family hugging me and telling me i don't look any older
**and yes, getting that stupid "old fart" card from Steve

Well this year only one of those things happened (the last one)  so I had to throw my own party.
Here it is in a nutshell:
*** Look for lots of stuff to be thankful for , like I still have my eyesight and sense of smell and 2 ears that can hear Joes' Durango  from a mile away.
*** Look at pictures of my  2 beautiful grandkids who have stolen my heart and  have taken it to Netherlands
(is it OK to say Holland?)
***  Appreciate the most stable, generous, and loving husband in the world who comes home every night from work and yells "glo, where are you?"
***  Pray for my 2 kids that are the age I used to be when I enjoyed birthdays.
***Getting  to hold babies when I go to church,  (the baby sunday school or nursery)
*** teaching  kids math and making them laugh because their mistakes are so silly.
***  Enjoying my 8 book club ladies who can't wait to get together once a month, just to talk and smile.

Actually, today was so laid back.  I just enjoyed coming home and listening to the rain.  God didn't even have to give me a rainbow.  I felt his presence all day  and His presents all day.

Bawling for the Boys

It's Sunday evening.  The sun is setting awfully early these days, and all I hear going through my mind is "Nana go"  and "row boys row!".   The thing is, ...... I'm bawling like a baby.

I've just finished reading our book club's book for the month:  The Boys in the Boat.
I loved it , to say the least.  It was a heart wrencher.  Yes, the good old rough and tumble boys from the UofW got gold in the 1936 Olympics in the 8 man shell 4 mile race.
It wasn't until I got to the end that I realized that tears were streaming down my face and landing in my lap.  Abandoned by his own father when he was a boy, the boy in the boat ( the #2 oarsman named Joe )  learns a life lesson that each of us aspire to.  Reach for your dreams.  But it was so much more than that.  He found true friendship.  8 men who rowed with him.  Who gave it their all just as much as he was giving..... and through it all..... they never left his side.  A true story of love and devotion and never giving up.  A story of dedication through immense pain.  A story of going up against the older German men and starting with lots of disadvantages, but surging past them in the final 100 meters to win it all out in the Olympics of 1936.  Yes,  Hitler himself was there, staging Germany to look like a perfect host nation. But in reality, the World War 2  and its atrocities were just beginning.

I had to walk after putting the book down.  I has to figure out what was clawing inside of me that had to be released in watery tears.  What had that book stood for?  Where did it even resemble my life?

I can't be sure, other than I"ve always wanted to achieve something bigger than myself my whole life, but have never had the fortitude to go get it.  But don't we all.  I've always wanted those life long friends that stand by you through thick or thin and call you "friend" and stick up for you and watch out for you and want to be with you.  But, I've never been able to make friends very easily.

So the book brought to the surface some life long pains and struggles and lost aspirations that have been hiding deep within now for probably 50 years.  (gasp)

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Part 2:   Same day, but earlier this morning, I had my first chance to talk with David (and parents) since they moved out to live in Netherlands.{They lived with us for 10 months}  Skype talk  #  1  was going good for the first few minutes until David (2 years old now)  realized that I wasn't on the other side of the screen or behind the door.  He couldn't reach me and I couldn't reach him.  I wanted so bad to hold out my arms and scoop him up and tell him Nana loves him.   I wanted to see his new bedroom and where he kept his toys and read him his favorite books.  But I was reduced to watching him react to my absence on my screen thousands of miles away and it broke my heart right in two.  Knowing that we wanted to be close but couldn't.

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Then it all came together for me.  I suddenly realized that my life was made up of  things that I desperately wanted that were just outside of my reach.  Just like Joe in the boat, he had to wake up and see that he wasn't pulling the boat alone.  Seven men all had his back and were pulling with him.  
The book wasn't about Joe 'wanting' a gold medal.  It was about striving for a common goal and being totally in sync with 8 other guys so perfectly that it brought them a gold medal.  It was about goodness and togetherness and encouraging and fighting.  Yes,  fighting to be the best you could possibly be ~  FOR the OTHER GUY  and not yourself.

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The pain he felt in the final meters are the same pain I feel today.  Yes,  I have a ton to be thankful for and even though I want all of it here and now and all the time, I know there are times when I will be "alone", but not truly.  For there are kids and grandkids and a loving husband who need me  .

 I will be there for them.  They are the love of my life.  I will never ever abandon or leave them for a second.  And they can count on me and I can count on them to be there for me.

Life hurts, yes,  but in the end,  the prize will be so worth it.

The little things

A lot of little things have changed lately.

The last 10 months have been filled with activity.  People actually taking up space in our home.  Nate was on the floor in the rec-room while David slept in his room.  Charissa and Michal had there own bedroom, but then Zoe came along.  Then there was 3 in her room.

The kitchen smelled good.  David loved hanging out with me and I loved every minute of it.  His different voices brought such enthusiasm to the every day things.  LIke the "gummy man dumps" voice.  And the "pick goodberries" voice.  Then there was the "bankie bankie" whiny voice.  And the tired "milk" request.  But my favorite was the "Hi Nana" welcome that I got every time he saw me.  I miss it a lot.  The little grandson who managed to steal my heart in just a few short months now lives in Netherlands.

There is nothing clever about this blog.  Just a whiny grandma who wishes she could fly to Netherlands once a day to pick him up and squeeze him and kiss his little cheek, and listen intentively to what he had to say.  Usually it wasn't a request really, he just needed an audience and he knew he had me.  

School starts soon, and now I'm going to have to do it alone.  For 10 months I couldn't wait to come home and play with him before he went down for a nap.  Now I'll just be coming home and cleaning his little fingerprints off of the window.  I'll be storing his hi-chair in the wine cellar.  I'm finding little mismatched toys that he left behind in weird places, and saving them in a basket for when I see him again.  

I wish I had it all on video.  Every single moment I got to spend with him.  I didn't even tell my daughter this, but when I watched him run the 100 yard dash and finish dead last -  running his toddler trot over the line -  to be handed a ribbon that he stared at for the longest time, ........  i cried without even knowing it.  Tears welled up and ran down.  I could hardly breathe taking it all in.  And there was his mommy, right beside him.  But then the last 40 yards, he let go and ran by himself.  It's just one memory that won't let me go.  But then there are a hundred more that I want to re-live and watch over and over. 
Who designs those kid's shirts that say "cutest kid ever"  and "grandma's handsome boy"?

A grandma..... that's who.  
Just so you know David, I am your biggest supporter.  I'll always be cheering for you and watching you grow up, and encouraging you and loving you and your silly ways forever.  For there is nothing you do that can remove my love for you for even a minute.

There is no ocean too wide that can separate our togetherness.

So until we meet again in person, I pray that you find a Netherlands a fun place to explore and learn and grow.  Then when we do meet, you can show and tell me all about your new adventures and discoveries.   But please don't grow up too fast, You Are the Cutest Little Boy Ever!

   and the Sweetest  TOO!!