It's Sunday evening. The sun is setting awfully early these days, and all I hear going through my mind is "Nana go" and "row boys row!". The thing is, ...... I'm bawling like a baby.
I've just finished reading our book club's book for the month: The Boys in the Boat.
I loved it , to say the least. It was a heart wrencher. Yes, the good old rough and tumble boys from the UofW got gold in the 1936 Olympics in the 8 man shell 4 mile race.
It wasn't until I got to the end that I realized that tears were streaming down my face and landing in my lap. Abandoned by his own father when he was a boy, the boy in the boat ( the #2 oarsman named Joe ) learns a life lesson that each of us aspire to. Reach for your dreams. But it was so much more than that. He found true friendship. 8 men who rowed with him. Who gave it their all just as much as he was giving..... and through it all..... they never left his side. A true story of love and devotion and never giving up. A story of dedication through immense pain. A story of going up against the older German men and starting with lots of disadvantages, but surging past them in the final 100 meters to win it all out in the Olympics of 1936. Yes, Hitler himself was there, staging Germany to look like a perfect host nation. But in reality, the World War 2 and its atrocities were just beginning.
I had to walk after putting the book down. I has to figure out what was clawing inside of me that had to be released in watery tears. What had that book stood for? Where did it even resemble my life?
I can't be sure, other than I"ve always wanted to achieve something bigger than myself my whole life, but have never had the fortitude to go get it. But don't we all. I've always wanted those life long friends that stand by you through thick or thin and call you "friend" and stick up for you and watch out for you and want to be with you. But, I've never been able to make friends very easily.
So the book brought to the surface some life long pains and struggles and lost aspirations that have been hiding deep within now for probably 50 years. (gasp)
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Part 2: Same day, but earlier this morning, I had my first chance to talk with David (and parents) since they moved out to live in Netherlands.{They lived with us for 10 months} Skype talk # 1 was going good for the first few minutes until David (2 years old now) realized that I wasn't on the other side of the screen or behind the door. He couldn't reach me and I couldn't reach him. I wanted so bad to hold out my arms and scoop him up and tell him Nana loves him. I wanted to see his new bedroom and where he kept his toys and read him his favorite books. But I was reduced to watching him react to my absence on my screen thousands of miles away and it broke my heart right in two. Knowing that we wanted to be close but couldn't.
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Then it all came together for me. I suddenly realized that my life was made up of things that I desperately wanted that were just outside of my reach. Just like Joe in the boat, he had to wake up and see that he wasn't pulling the boat alone. Seven men all had his back and were pulling with him.
The book wasn't about Joe 'wanting' a gold medal. It was about striving for a common goal and being totally in sync with 8 other guys so perfectly that it brought them a gold medal. It was about goodness and togetherness and encouraging and fighting. Yes, fighting to be the best you could possibly be ~ FOR the OTHER GUY and not yourself.
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The pain he felt in the final meters are the same pain I feel today. Yes, I have a ton to be thankful for and even though I want all of it here and now and all the time, I know there are times when I will be "alone", but not truly. For there are kids and grandkids and a loving husband who need me .
I will be there for them. They are the love of my life. I will never ever abandon or leave them for a second. And they can count on me and I can count on them to be there for me.
Life hurts, yes, but in the end, the prize will be so worth it.
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